he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
