so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
