Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
