Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
