i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
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