god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
