talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
