can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
i out mim tonsoeep
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