sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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