She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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