Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
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shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
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Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?