you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
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He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
21 Awkward Ways People Found Out Their Partner Was Into Outrageous Sex Acts
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.