i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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