So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
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I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
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I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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