Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Couch. On fire.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
