dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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