he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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