If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
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