Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
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