i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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