The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
