My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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