a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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