btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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