His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
