You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
