and i looked up. we had an audience...
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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