Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
