I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
