my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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