I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
