i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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