I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
