Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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