Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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