Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center