He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
