i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
