When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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