Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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