textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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