I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
