you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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