Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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