Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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