somebody snuck up and got me drunk
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Randomize
