Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Also, beer. Big fan.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
