i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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