I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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