K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
