she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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