I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
