last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
