I heard we made out
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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