If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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