So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
