I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Randomize
